-crushed-

a trickle of tear and nothing more..
disappearance of hope..
realization of things that was pushed under the carpet..
for far too long to avoid acceptance of the truth
which could only hurt more..
why so..
the struggle to stay away from reality...
deep down it's there and never would leave....
somehow it's been clear that nothing would change...

ouch...

Laura Ashley...Isn't looking forward to anything right now.
Besides being fuckin' bored..I can't think of anything that could make me feel awesome!
Probably..I wish I could head back to my lovely hometown. A place where I could stuff I like....

Another 2 bloody hours..can't think of how to get by...can't possible think of anything to write here since it would not come out right anyway. Guess sometimes during 'down' days, you just won't be able to think of the reason. Maybe everything would just feel so wrong and then it only gets worst.

the wise woman...

A wise woman once told me that if you give your heart to someone who loves you a 110%, years will pass and you would lose him sooner or later...

If you give your heart to someone who does not love you at all, years might go by and somehow love would be found...

Sadly..the wise woman had no idea what she was telling me cause I found out that the wise woman who wisely gave me advise turns out to be the third wife of a rich man and she never knew it until the day of his funeral...

Damn...now that's shitty...

Something to think about...

Have you ever wondered why do you keep your hair long although it makes you sick and you don't like it? Is it a trend or just for the sake of thinking..one fine day, the hair will turn into gold strands? :-)

Have you ever wondered what if the car you drove one day decided to fly?
Like it just takes off and there is nothing you can do about it. ;-) It flies above all the other cars which are stuck in the jam. And then you realize, you're car was built to fly but the salesperson never mentioned it.

Have you ever wondered what if you found out one day that your grandmother left you with a land down in Klang? A land that cost five million...yes..five fucking million dollars...not even ringgit...oh come over it...that'll never happen...especially to me.

Have you ever wondered for the sake of it...what if there was a lake..which consist of beer and not water. Imagine fishing for drunk fishes and the drunk people fishing for the drunk fishes and then standing by the lake, grilling drunken fish and then eating them after getting pissed drunk again.

xoxoxoxo....that's as for as my wild imagination could go for the night since it's such a boring night.

Counting the minutes till it's time to head back.....
NETJ...hope you're sleeping tight...
LTA, LFA and MTA...hope things don't get smelly at home and Facebook stays out for awhile so you'll get some attention.....

Hmmph...........toodles...

11.53pm....

feeling happy since it's almost time to leave work..at the same time feeling fucked up with the thought of going home. Hmmph...Things at home still fucked up. Even more today with all the fucking bloody smses I get. It's bloody mental torture which makes me so damn tired. Probably why I woke up only at 2.05pm this afternoon! Damn! That's like so fucking late but sleeping..lets me dream of things that are sometimes so beautiful! Unlike the reality..in life...there's like some tamil drama going on! As I had mentioned to my dear father! I have had enough of it! Then again, this is my shit to deal with. I don't feel anybody or even think any soul would understand until they're in my shoes! No one would know the shit I got to deal with! They would pass comments, suggest shit..but then...who will ever know!?!??! So I guess..the only way is to just fuck it!

Anyway, it's Friday tomorrow. Can't think of any reason to love it since it's Friday but oh well, nevermind..I still will try to. :-)

Here me scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..and then...Fuck Offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

oh and USA...

Fuck that Arizona bitch!! Dare ask me to buy him a ticket...dictate what I should do...telling me to be grateful for what he has done...sure I will...by fucking wishing you will rot in hell with your fucking shit-face-black-and-white-blotters son....and you rat looking grand-fucking-daughter

God...wish you fuckers had the address to my blog....

Anger...boils perhaps above usual temperature.......

it's been awhile...

since i've last decided to blog about my crappy life...perhaps been spending too much time in the loo instead. So that's like direct crapping...straight into the bloody t-bowl!!

Days pass and nothing changes except my attitude..I'm getting more and more sick of the way life is. Living with him..yes him..my lovely father seem to get harder as the days go by. There has been a time, when I blogged all the lovely things about him. I love him, more then he ever could know but I've realized that I would never be good enough anyway. So, I've decided to stop trying at all. I'm getting old and it's time I give up since his expectations keep getting higher! So, fuck it!!! It's funny how money started it all...he has lost me cause he made it clear that money was important. And then came his family from hell...the fucking Klang crows!! God it's hurtful but yeah...I've realized and accepted it! It should have been clearer before but I've given him the chance, unsure if he even deserved it but it was given.

So here I am...a new life of not going to bother no more. I can't be having to please him since betrayal, insults, and no trust at all is what I get in return! So hell no will I try to please him or do the things he asks me too! It's all about his fucking family or some fucking thing which is not important at all!! Fuck it!!! Even if I have to live with this hurt, at least I won't be doing stuff just to please him and end up with bloody remarks thrown at me!

Church every Sunday...yeah...I'm sure he learns well from that place! It's been fucking 3 weeks now since he even spoken or met properly but even though it hurts, I've accepted it! After all, every conversation is about something horrible about someone. My brother, my mother, my sister, my brother in law, my nephew....and somehow..nothing, not even once has he said even the slightest ugly thing about his fucking family members!!! What the fuck!!! Are they fucking angels?!?!?!?! Damn...I just realized this somehow. Not a single time has he said anything bad at all about time!! Perfect fuckers!!! Swear they'll burn in hell for the shit they did to my mum and the hell they have caused!!!!! Fuck them all! Suckers!

Yet another day....So what?

So what if I'm quiet? So what if I am just this and that? So what if I choose to be this way? So what if I don't feel like changing? So what if I think I want to be this way? So what if I talk when I think I should talk? So what if I say only what I think is important? So what if I am not the way others want me to be? So what? So what if I do not meet the expectation of someone who does not even matter? So what if I refuse to speak way more than others do? So what if the words I have in my mind would not come out? So what if you don't know what I'm thinking? So what if my quietness is disturbance to the rest? So what if my thoughts is not what it should be? So what? So what if I did not do the right thing? So what if I had caused you hurt and pain that was simply unintentional? So what if I felt hurt by your actions when I was not supposed to? So what if it makes me sick that you do not speak to me? So what if I refuse to do the things that you want me to do? So what if I am a changed person? So what if I begged you to stay when all you want to do is leave? So what?
So what if I want the things that I know is almost impossible? So what if I think the impossible is somehow possible? So what if the impossible becomes possible because I thought it was possible? So what if my actions make me fall? So what if my quietness causes that much of discomfort? So what if I loved you more than anything else in the world? So what if I knew you could not walk on water yet I dared you to it? So what if I drank too much? So what if I smoked too much? So what if I did all the things that I should never started doing? So what? So what if I knew I was leaving soon and I wanted your time badly? So what if there is never enough time? So what if there is no way to make me speak? So what if I was born to be this way? So what if it was written in the stars that I was meant to be quiet? So what if I'd rather write than speak? So what if my writings are not understood? So what? So what if no one ever could understand me? So what if the one person who understood me left me without a reason? So what? So what if I am slow? So what if I'm scared of many things? So what if I can't get myself to think the way I'm supposed to?

To the one who suffered pain...

To the one who suffered pain...or at least I believe so and brought me into this world,
I would like to say to my mother and add the words from hell but I shall hold that back for I do, and always will love her very much,
Somehow and in some way she drives me up the wall,
Leaving me terribly speechless...
Just like today when she was inconsiderate to a level that amazed me,
Goodness...I wish she could hear herself and somehow realize things,
But I guess she never would,
So she could not accept that my job was important and that I was not able to pick her up..I've spent every Friday for the past months getting in late to work and just one Friday when I just could not be late for work, She could show just a little bit of consideration and say 'It's alright' but instead sound frustrated over the found and give comments that gets so upsetting,
Oh well, and there went the whole day of work feeling like hitting the bar and unwinding...
Somehow the minutes and then the hours went by,
And finally the day is over...as I hope I could change and put this all behind me....

Readings from Readings....awesomeness....

One of the best books I've bought!!! Damn...they're just hilarious!

Anywayz...why do people come to work when somehow they don't want to do what they're supposed to do? Selfishness which seem to have no end. Sighh...
Counting the minutes yet again since troubled by a few.

TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhh..the long, duper long awaited Friday is finally here!
Such a long, boring, tiring week. On top of it, soo unfruitful since nothing much was done. Yet I'm tired!! Damn!!! Mental stress that causes unlimited tiredness...lol.

Here comes the long Friday as usual anyway. But then it'll be the weekend...yahoooo

sea of thoughts....

It's early in the morning and somehow my thoughts run back to you
I'm wondering whether I would be better if I erased you and just closed that chapter
Somehow as it's always easier said than done, you come back without a warning and there's simply no way of stopping it
Why has life taken you away from this part of earth?
And even so taken you away, far away from my life..
It's just never fair to not be able to even have a clue of whether I do cross your mind
Times changed, people changed but you never did, right until you left
Guess that's one of the most amazing things about you
I'll wish upon a star and hope that someday you'd be back againand perhaps then never leave yet again

grrr...WeDneSdaY?

Can't believe it's only Wednesday...the week's been soo bloody slow. Probably because of the awesome weekend @ Hard Rock Penang. Well, hotel wasn't up to what we expected at first but turned out alright in the end. Guess that's the reason why we should not have such high expectations of anything cause we'd only end up feeling disappointed. Anyway..the company was awesome...drinks and the purple around. ;-)

Gaawwwwddd....9.29pm only!!! Damn. Wish time would go faster....

Dear....

Dear Migraine,

It's been almost 6 hours now since you've been causing me torture. Have you ever wondered how much I hate you? The pain is so unbearable each time that it's sometimes worst than a broken heart. Worst than losing the one I love since there's no way to get rid of you. I can't even do the usual stuff to release stress unlike when my heart is hurting! Gaawwwdd...you suck. I wish you didn't have to come along. Tommorrow morning's our Penang trip and you made me feel this way for so long. Right up till now, my head hurts terribly... Why!?!?!??!
Just go away and leave me alone for a long time...I hate you bastardo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With loads of hate and the sharpest knife thrown at you,
Migraine Sufferer

Lazy as lazy could be....

9.51pm...I'm feeling super duper lazy and tired. Thinking of awesome things to do soon..as in over the weekend.

9.52pm...Thinking of my sister and such a sucky day she's had. Ouh fuck it is sometimes. Can't believe people have such huge mouths that let words out without thinking. Sighh..hope things get better with all the ups and downs.

10.39...Minutes later I'm thinking of mum and the way unfairness is shown. OMG...grandkids who become goddess and gods in a blink of an eye and one duper cute grandson is left out. I dont understand why so. She called just to talk bout one of them...gaawddd..like I'm effin interested at all. Oh well...that's the way it is I guess....
But don't worry NETJ...your mom's awesomeness so it doesn't matter eh......:-)

10.43...Thinking of our new house which seems so awesome!!!!! Loads of work to be done, ups and downs but it's all worth it! Hope smelly cat comes in no more...

Hmmmm..I'm here in office but mind is far away..may the last few minutes fly by as quick as possible....

the one who gives without thinking......

I'm thinking of you and I realize that I have hurt you unintentionally before although I had my reasons
Yet you forgot all those times and have always been there for me
Though there are times I feel terrible accepting all that you give
And I do wonder if you're alright
It hurts to know that you must be hurting with all the double standards that seem to go on
I wish things are not this way but somehow I know you're strong and you will make it through...
It's sad that you give without thinking to the ones we both love but it seems to go unappreciated
I know all you've done and still keep on doing and someday, slowly but surely will repay you back for all that you've done.........

Lots of love

The things you never know...

Are the things that have been left unspoken
Perhaps you ought to know
Though words are left unspoken
The heart feels what it does
I never meant to hurt you and would do anything to make it better
If you knew that I thought of you every minute of the day
Knowing you're out there somewhere feeling sad hurts more than you ever know
Things would never change
Yet chance are all I have to give to you
It was unspoken but you mean way too much to let go
If love was strong you would feel it
But when things are one sided, it would not be felt I guess
Someday things would be different and that's the day which is feared the most somehow........

Gravity.....yet another awesome song....

Back from the weekend which was a mixture of awesomeness, stress, happiness, sad and most of all short...
Here I am hooked on a song....

"Gravity"

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

if a jar of hearts....

Would one throw it into the sea or keep it and reuse them all over again?
Wish I had held on to the hearts which once were mine and even when it strayed, I somehow kept it somewhere safe. Perhaps they could be reused...I could take em out when I feel like and it'll just be there. Bet it would not make me a user since my heart was once linked to the same so how could I be called a user then?

Babbling babbles and blowing bubbles...ain't it fun! ;-)

Funny, silly, and also duper funny...

Ever wondered what's the funniest thing one could say after an accident happens and during an argument? Well, champion of a mum I have, funny funny one too.

"You men!! All the same!! All out to make money our of women!!!!"

OMG...thank you good God for not making me laugh else it sure would have been such an silly moment.... :-)

where's the weekend???

This can't be happening to me...I took leave on Monday which means I had Saturday, Sunday and Monday!!! Yet, it sure feels as though I never even had a weekend. How horrible is that!!?!?!?! It passed so duper quick and on top of it..such a horrible 3 days!
The house was almost gone with the wind...thanks to fickle minded bloody owners.
The car crash...bloody stooopid mofo..it's your bloody fault!! Blind bastard!! :-((( Wish it never happened at all. All I wanted to do was reverse out and he came in my way and crash boom bang!! And blames me for it??!?!?! Damn this guy! Sighh...

OMG...soo under pressure! It sure sucks when everything goes wrong at the same time!
Can't wait for my car to be fixed and back to the way it was! :-(

Between love and hate...

...lies a thin, fine line. Probably as thin as a thread but if one does really think about it, it sure is true. Sometimes we love too much and when anger hits, we tend to wonder how could it come about. We wonder if we have turned to hate the person. The ones we love the most are the ones who would hurt us terribly. It's sad but true and I guess no one would ever be able to tell the reason why it is this way. When we love someone, we try to do our best no matter it takes. The road is bumpy yet we struggle and keep trying. Finally, when we something stirs up, we only realize that all the sacrifices come down to nothing. Well, what's life without love whether it's just a friend or any family for that matter. I guess that's the reason we try and somehow we end up feeling so hurt. The hurt inside gets so unbearable and you want to just run away. And then somehow the question of whether running away would bring happiness. Somehow true love never seems to disappear once it is there deep down inside. Even the hate does not seem to help. It's always easier said than done. How is it possible to be heartless and not feel a thing? I guess no one could do so which is why people go through hell and stay in it. Fighting deep down and letting days pass by with so many mixed feelings...

Memories of you...

Yet again...I'm haunted by your memories..
I wonder how long will it linger for..
They were sweet memories mostly but still it's hard when it comes along..
For I know there's no return...
No signs or notes which could tell me you'd be back...
Darkness falls and it hits when I'm alone...
If I could build a stairway...I would...
Once which leads to you so I wouldn't have to be haunted no more...
Except this time I'd do things differently..
I'd tell you what's deep inside and you'd know what you meant to my life...
I wonder how your days are and what you've been up to...
And perhaps if I even cross your mind at times...
But there's no news from you unlike before...
So it's sad that the truth is probably that I've lost you forever....

Final weekend@smelly GYC 8....

GYC 8...the apartment we lived in since 1997.
OMG...that's long time to live in a smelly lil' apartment which I've hated. Not that it's really smelly but what I mean is that there were shitty memories all the way. I don't remember a single time when I felt duper happy to go back since it was just a miserable house. Ya, ya I know there a many people out there with way worst living conditions but guess what, some have shitty houses but yet cause of peace and love, they indeed are happy the way they are. Not that I'm being a pain or anything but I recall way too many fights in the house which saddens me. Being a duper sentimental person, I'm suprised myself that I don't feel sad having to leave the place at all. :-)

So yeah, let me try to list the lovely things that happened in the house :
1. A major fight with the parents with scribbles on the door.
2. A major fight with the bitch from hell ASS-RIS Stevinson....OMGGGGGGGGG...I hate your guts!!! You caused nothing but agony!!! I hope you suffer before dying! Damn it!! You ruined things!!!!! Cause of you the fights still go on!! We were never happy cause of you! You're the main cause of it all!!!! I wish just wish you could somehow disappear into thin air like 30 years back!!!! Sad thing is..you never knew the pain you caused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. Blood on the walls cause he punched the wall! Bet the pain inside was greater then the pain from punching the wall though!
4. Haunted and harrassed by lovely dyke!! Seowwwww....
5. Table overturned.....

Sigh the list goes on so maybe I shouldn't waste my time writing too much of the same shit!!!!

Clear enough that I'm pissed and angry at this very moment!

Penang..Hatyai..Perth....

Looking forward to these holidays...first 2 short breaks @ Penang and hometown and then the long holiday. It's tiring here so can't wait for the break. Yahooooooo.....

Guess Penang would be awesome too but more looking forward to hometown trip as always!!!

why'd u make it fade...

Or are you trying to make it fade for a reason that I can't figure out? I realize how my entries right here in flight of a dragonfly was mostly about you and the love I have for you. I wonder why are you ruining it? There's so much anger which I can't voice out. So much of hurt because of the unfairness. I see how the words spoken about you just might have been true. All this while I put that thoughts about you aside and I tried to make it right. But you have changed almost overnight. You make me just wanna run away from all of this. I'm tired and almost giving up on a dream. A dream that's not just for me but for everone I love. Sighh..

In a perfect world somehow I wish...I wish...and I keep wishing that YOU're still here to listen and not judge me like some might. I could speak to you and know that you're listening. You don't know the right words to say but you'd just be there to listen. You'd know that I'm not asking for a solution which can't be found at all. You'd know what to say that would take me far away from the sadness that I have inside me. You'd give me a chance to fall and you'd be proud when I'm back up. You'd hug me without saying a word before leaving and I would know that you meant to say all the things that would make it better for me. This dream of YOU being here is gone and I can't reach you during times like this....If only I knew why and I could explain but there's just no way.....

Lovely but sad song....

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Just a though based on the lyrics....Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
Ain't it true? Yup, it guess it sure is true and it's the saddest thing ever. The people who listen and not judge somehow come around and fly away..just like lovely doves..

Party@the new house..04.06.2011

Email sent out on 1st of June and while doing this, I realized that the list were all guys. I guess some might think that I'm such a skank but the truth is, guy friends don't add on stress or give me headaches and it's been this way since a long time ago. It was hard to change then. Counting the number of girlfriends I have, I realize there's barely a handful of them. So anyway, I've never invited friends over before since the house I lived in was more to me like a fighting den and a place to rest. This first time, I thought I would do so even if the house was empty. :-)

Kid you not but just one simple poker and drinking nite turned out a nightmare and brought on after effects which saddens me. OMG...my ol' man's just so difficult. But anywayz...the party was simple and awesome despite the hot weather. Felt as thought the fans weren't working at times but we survived it! Plus, sitting on the floor was quite a pain..haha..

Toossdayyy....

I'm tired but let me try to be as positive as possible and see how far I could get. Well, life's so fucked up. Hah! Kidding.. anywayzz...table was sent today to our new house. Lovely marble in green and beige but things are never right if something does not go wrong right so the chairs were the wrong ones. :-) The lorry guys fixed only four chairs and I realized that the colour of the chairs were orange instead of black!! So that will be delayed. But at least there's a table there, and the mattress too. Oh, and a shoe cabinet. :-)

Well, the curtains looked duper awesome when I hung them up. But oh boy, even that was tiring cause of climbing up and down the ladder. Hahaha...
I guess once it's all down, looking how nice they look takes the tiredness away for a few minutes at least.

And then, yes so he has not spoken anything to me yet. And there's nothing I can do about it except to know that things have and still is being delayed. He's 70, I'm 25 right now and I can't comprehend how could things be this way. The slamming and locking of doors, the wild and scary stare that I get...it's tiring as hell. Nothing has changed with him over the years and it's sad. Sometimes we got to accept the things that we can't change I guess...though it's so hard. I wish he could accept me the way I am and I could be open sometimes. Just the way I accept the way he is. But that's just a dream away and it will remain a dream forever.

Hmmph...7.23pm...long long way to go......

count the minutes....

till monday ends...smelly monday end quick pleeeasee...

Wonder why Monday's are always horrible?!?!?!
15 minutes to go...I should dream away..

Here I am sitting on the beach after the long walk on the lovely white sand...feels like all the stress have faded away, like it disappeared into the clear blue sea...settled under a coconut tree with a lovely cosmo in hand..I hope the waiter keeps the drinks coming..even if he sends me the huge bill after...it doesn't matter at all...hmmm...

Oh well, before it gets crazier than it sounds...its 11.50pm..ten mins to go...before I could get into the City and drive away...

Readings...4:9:85

Sunday NITE mass at the great Ol Skool

A reading from the book of E.Laura A. 4:9:85

Thou shall try not make me sick no more...
Thou shall realize that I've tried my best and I'm still trying...
Thou shall realize that I'm more tired than lazy most days...
Thou shall realize that ciggarettes and alcohol are around to shorten life as the life without loved ones are a waste of my time here...
Thou shall realize that many words spoken from my mouth have gone unheard...
Thou shall realize the huge number of questions I have but never seem to find the answers to them..
Thou shall realize that I want the things I never had before...
Thou shall realize the things I want mostly are things that all the money in the world can never buy...
Thou shall realize that I wish certain things in life turned out differently...
Thou shall realize that I never meant to hurt the people I have hurt before...
Thou shall know that I am thinking of ways to be a better person sometimes but it gets so difficult...
Thou shall realize that I know the truth about me being just an accident...
Thou shall realize this must the reason why things get so hard for me...
Thou shall realize I find it hard to cope and mix with the ones around me...
Thou shall realize the list of people I miss and wish were around has ended cause I can't have yet another one...
Thou shall realize the memories haunt me so bad...
Thou shall realize the ones I love most are the ones who hurt me so bad...

Thou shall realize that I wish I was never even born since I'm hanging around here and wasting my life away....

Peace be with you...

endless..forever..im drained out....

It's been like ages since I've written. I lost interest, strayed away and turned to other things that I take my stress away but somehow everything helps for not more than a day. Seems like a roller coaster ride again that just won't stop. I scream my head out but no one could hear me. Why is this even happening to me at all? Nothing is ever good enough and I wish there's a stairway to a place where it's different from here. All I want to do sometimes are the things that people I know could do way I before I did. It just turns out all wrong. I could do my best for the ones I love but it's still never good enough.

I guess peace is something far away and probably would never be found and so is love. I'm tired even by just thinking about the way things are. How could people be such hypocrites? I don't understand the way things work sometimes. Have you ever tried so freaking hard to please someone, you put yourself last on the list and the person takes a knife and stabs you right in the middle of your back? Sometimes the way things are feels exactly like that except that you're still alive and there's nothing you could do about it...

Sigghh..huge sighh...life feels duper fucked up right now. Wish things were different. If only I could feel nothing, be heartless and just move on...do things and live differently. I wonder how life would feel then. Like a heartless fool perhaps...

I hardly know what I'm talking or writing here anymore but I guess someday when I read this back..I'd know I felt like shit at this very moment.
Perhaps I should start fresh...a brand new entry which makes more sense....

counting the days...

to lil' Noah's 1st birthday and I'm sure he will be excited and showing off his beautiful smile to everyone who comes! I'm sure he's going to get awesome pressies!!

Sadly, a part of me feels down and I'm sure T feels the same. Our family have been broken all the while but knowing that now it's been broken way more, it makes it all harder. :-( It's easier said than done as always but somehow we can't give in when people don't realize the way the hurt others. I mean I could say that I don't wanna see them but as days go by, it gets so hard. I have screwed up before, everyone does but I realized my mistakes and try to make it up. Why isn't the same for him and M? I just don't get it and guess I just never will.

I know dad is not happy without them in his life and it's a bit easier for me which is why it makes me mad to think of how things turn out. Telling your father not to step into your house is way unacceptable and what more calling him a bastard?!?!?!? I'm tired.....tired of seeing mr.69 in tears..he's almost 70. How could I plan his birthday when he'll be missing his 3 grandkids? Nothing I do could take away that sadness and nothing in the world could as well. It breaks my heart to think about it but I can't find the words to tell him or them. If only mistakes were realized without having someone else point them out.

Sighh....

The cuts deep within are slow healing wounds and often never healed unlike paper cuts yet somehow they are often caused.......why?????

Ain't got nothing much to focus now I guess...MBA's screwed...house and car is nothing but headache...I'm going half insane......dad's bored in smelly Singapore...T's stressed at work and many stuff on her plate.....E's stressed with dog of a nephew....Dumper's (my car) got a bum crack which caused the lower value......Noah's smiling and happy as always...HAH!!! that's the thought that makes me smile and then...WATKINS!!!!! heading home for that.....yay.......:-)))))))

If things came easier...what would life be like?

Lately I keep wondering why do some people have it easy? Easy as in there's not much thought to be given when there's a decision to be made or perhaps they're served on a silver platter. If there is something to be decided on, they could just go out there are get it without taking time to think about any consequences since the things that could possibly arise would be easily solved.
Well, from what I've learnt I guess having things easy does not make one a better person but sometimes when life gets so tough I can't help but wonder. Then again, there are people way worst than me. Way worst than I could probably imagine and it makes me go on trying as hard as I could.

The house deal..whether i've mentioned that before is still pending and then there's the car which is also in a terrible state. Perhaps I just got to totally appreciate the things that I have right now and not wish for more. It's just my dreams which sometimes get too big and after too many dreams left unfilled, I thought the car would make at least one finally come true. Yet its almost not coming true. Huge sigh. :-( Just wish I told no one since one jerk that I totally dislike knows about it and now that it's not coming true, it makes me feel like crap. Anywayz..I guess it's fine now since something else probably might come up. Fingers crossed tightly as possible....

...finally felt like writing again...

although I can't figure what exactly to write besides put down in words the pressure of searching for a house. Well, it's like being thrown into the deep blue sea and not even knowing how to swim. I must say it's pretty much similar since there are people like sharks out there to get you. No one ever said it's easy to buy a house or to make the decision but I just never thought it would be this hard!!! Sigghh...not only is it stressful to choose and decide on one but the process of it is absolutely tiring. Plus depressing to find out that the selling price and the market value differ by a huge amount! Fingers crossed and for dad's sake..and mum too, things would work out soon.

Well, a house would never be a home when the fighting doesn't seem to end and although it's a dream that's far from reach, I hope i'll manage to make the house awesome. :-) And....with the crap we're dealing with right now with someone who's being a pain, I hope that would end soon.

Just a happy note though...during the time I never wrote, I managed to go back to hometown and it was fabulous as always! Thought of it makes me just want to go back there especially when life gets too stressful to handle.

Huge sigh but thank goodness work is over for the day. It's been a long, slow going week. Till next time...

Eh...wait a minute..

That was my first post of 2011!!! And it wasn't something awesome at all..hmmph!! Well..at least it was a start anyway so perhaps I'll continue for a bit.

Well, happy new year to all (not like anyone's reading even)! :-) But yeah the year initially did not begin well at all and it's not that I thought it would. First day I was surrounded by people whom I tend to dislike due to character. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from that but it's just that those self-centered, show off, boastful, laser mouth people were there at uncle B's. I had no choice but to go since I had to drive mum there and it was like the worst day of my life since I wanted the first day of the year to be spent with people that I choose to be with like...dad, T, NETJ, Doni, E, mum, and most of all a bottle would've been perfect. Hehehe.

Oh well, and there was my lovely brother and his family who was there as always. WTF? They spent the whole day there unlike when they visit us which usually last for barely 2 hours. And on top of it he lied to dad and said he was at work. I knew I would hear it from dad the next day and I was right again. It saddened me to first hear him say it that his son could not even visit him on new year's day but could go over to uncle B's and then I watched his tears fall. I can't figure out why since each time they come over we treat them as awesome as we could but yet it all seems one-sided. Probably there are other people who are the same but I can't help but wonder why won't he think just what if anything happens? What about regrets? I mean I do screw things up as well but I try my best to make it up when I can. The whole thing just sucks..even thinking about it. Anywayz..perhaps after what he said the last time to dad, there won't be much regret maybe since those highly hurtful words could somehow come out.

So yeah...not awesome seeing him cry but I know NETJ makes it all better and reduces the hurt. I'm so thankful beyond words that he came into this world. :-) It's like he could cry today and the next day when he sees NETJ, I know the hurt has somehow faded for awhile and he smiles from his heart.

Shite...how emo...well, next post will try to make it a funny one. Again...this is probably just for me to one day read them all over again so nevermind, it doesn't matter much...

xoxo....

7 minutes 7 minutes...

..to leave work...can't wait for some reason which I don't even know myself. Maybe just the massive migraine which ruined the whole day. :-(
Glad it has ended for now though.

Anyway..thinking about moving house which feels awesome yet scary at the same time. Houses seems to be so highly priced now. Damn!! But well, faith could move mountains so I'm sure we'll find something within budget and it'll be an awesome house too. Good part is the apartment's sold..wooohoo...

I'm wondering about how do some people like good ol' uncle whats-his-name buy houses like in a game of monopoly. Some kind of eat grass and get rich or never shop and save it all? Sighh...oh well. I can't and won't be that way just in case life decides to end...hehehe.

Anywayz...that's all I guess for now. Time to head back...

Oh yeah...it's also shopaholic aka T aka my only sis's bday...hope she has an awesome one cause she sooo deserves it. :-)))