Dear Santa.....

There's no way of getting to you or talking cause ever so often, all you ever is talk and you will never listen hence I decided on writing a letter that will never reach even close to the North Pole and I wish it never would reach anyway. The one thing I'm sure right now is that I am glad that Christmas is over since you weren't here for it. I wish you knew how Christmas felt like without you around. It just ends up having to be fake and strong and wearing a smile for the love of the rest of the family around. Deep down there's a hole in my heart when I think of you spending Christmas all alone. It just wasn't fair at all but when has it ever been anyway. I know you're hurt too and deep down you're broken but aren't we all?!?! If I could do anything to make it better just for you, I would for sure but when would it ever be enough for you? I try, try and try and failure is all that I end up with. How long would it take till your smile comes straight from thr heart and tears would not fall? It hurts to think I would never succeed. Among all my failures in life, this is the biggest one ever for I would be able to do things right by you. I guess all the words in the world, actions or whatever it may be would never be enough.

ignorant as fuck!!

hair falls in my cup of water for more than twice...
what the fuck? are u blind or something? maybe plain stupid???
arrrggghhhh....angryyyyyyy

Training someone my age or older is not the easiest task for me. I hate doing it i swear!! I have no patience and just feel like yelling all the fucking time! And so...this person...comes over with a question....hair isnt tied and I'm trying my best to not scream cause as I'm trying to show her stuff...from the corner of my eye, I could see her hair falling in my cup of water which I had just filled!! Fuck!!! Like couldn't she even realize it at all??? How could that be? Or perhaps she did and just thought that I wouldn't mind it at all. Fuck!! That's stupid though! Disgusting as hell!!!!

And so...there I go walking to the pantry..yet again to get water so I could drink, drink and drink and try to avoid a bloody migraine!

Damn it...sighhh...life's never easy...
Sob..emo......

Me and Migraine

we go a long way back..me and migraine
I've decided to give migraine a name and came up Miguelita
sounds Spanish...and like duper awesome when in reality it's just SHITE!!!
Anyway, Miguelita's there when he's not needed
He lingers when he's not welcomed to stay
He doesn't wait for an invitation and shows up at all the wrong fucking times
simply things like a blazing sun could turn him on and ta-da
he shows up without warning
he's rude like shit cause when I do try to get him out of sight and out of mind
ohh buoy...he doesn't fucking get it
He's never good at getting hints especially when I really need him to stay away
even chocolate makes him come around...gawwwddd...damn it. like fucking really? chocolate? wtf?
ohhh ohhhh...and when i don't get much sleep and feel soo shitty...he decides to come around as well!?!?!

goshh...yeah...we've come a long way....but still...i don't get how could he be soo fucking stupid and annoying?!?!
if we were married, that'll be great cause i swear i'd file for a divorce
ohh well...not a chance at all right
feels like we've been bonded for like forever
fuckkkkkk
times when i can't take it i start yelling to him to fuck off and leave me alone
of cause he gets mad as well and decides to stay longer..
shite!!!!!

Well, that's just my short story about my smelly visitor...

the truth about me

is that i don't know what i'm doing mostly
i think i do but i know deep down that i don't
The truth about me is that whenever something like this goes down
i hate the way it is cause i know how ugly it could get
it's never awesome to be me at times like this

fuckkkkkk

are u fucking serious?
like realllyyyy serious??

geezz...only half fucking 3...i wanna gooooo homeeeeeeee.................

the truth about fairness...

It just doesn't exist...life's never fair..never been and never will be i guess
then again who ever promised that life would be fair?
well nobody did but perhaps sometimes if it was, it would really be nice
at least once in a bloody while

i don't want him to go...i can't believe he is going..............
no one would get it..can't expect anyone to get it...
he's leaving with a broken heart...
and it scares me till my headache's fucking me up...

what about me? was i even thought about when he decided to leave?
and tell me a day before???

fuckkkkkkk...........

guess i'll have nothing but a merry fucking christmas......
they say family's most important during christmas.....like really????

merry whattt.....

waking up to a text from you
wat it says is nothing but a heartache
since nothing nice ever comes out these days
say you must have a meal with me and you'd tell me why
i felt it way before today
tried my best to avoid it but knowing it won't be long
till i have to face reality

***you're leaving yet again
during a time when we need you most
i know i've been bad
never doing things you're way
is it too late for me to make it up?
is it too late to beg you to stay?
just please stay with us and dont leave
dont make us have merry fucking christmas without you

it's not fair though it's nothing new
why do i have to pay for what everybody does
so they've pissed you of till you wanna leave
but i've tried and i've tried all my life
why isn't it every good enough for you
why the fuck must it be this unfair
i will never get it and i'll never get you

***

guess all i've got is a repeat of last year
a jolly season without you here
a meaningless affair which brings me to tears
but oh well that's just the way it is I guess

***you're leaving yet again
during a time when we need you most
i know i've been bad
never doing things you're way
is it too late for me to make it up?
is it too late to beg you to stay?
just please stay with us and dont leave
dont make us have merry fucking christmas without you

but maybe it's too late cause your ticket's been booked
and since i just found out
just gotta welcome the merry fucking christmas and a fucking jolly season
with a heart that's been broken to pieces......

destiny....

you were gone without warning
slipped through my fingers
and out of my life unexpectedly
now a life of regret is all i have
when that's the last that one should have
but i tell myself that everything happens for a reason
somehow the reason isn't uncovered just yet
and maybe it never would be at all

so tell me why did it turn out this way
a way i never imagined
if the truth unfolds
you'd see what you meant
you'd see the meaning of everything
but now you've flown
to a place i'll never go
far beyond where my destiny would ever take me

if i'd turn back the clock
i can't help but wonder
how would it be for you
will you see what's meant to be
will you do the things you've done
and would you give me hope
and then take it all away
while i stand there waiting all these while

so tell me why did it turn out this way
a way i never imagined
if the truth unfolds
you'd see what you meant
you'd see the meaning of everything
but now you've flown
to a place i'll never go
far beyond where my destiny would ever take me

too late to even figure it out
way too late to wonder
should have been much earlier
way before destiny called...........

Tired...as shit

Is what it is now...can't wait to go back and sleep like never before!! Then again, it's what I always do and what I do best probably so what the hell am I talking about?

The vision at the hosp...to believe or not to believe? Why do people have to add sooo many more details to it?! It's more of a disgrace than anything else. Couldn't they consider the consequences of speaking more and more about it?!?!

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be...she came, she saw, she conquered!!! Ouhh yeah!!!

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be


Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be


And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be


For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be....Surely there would be an answer to this soon. It's just a matter of time until the truth behind it or the scientific explanation perhaps would surface after much research?!?!?!

OUH WELL....................

Untitled

Fear...it comes naturally when you're near
when you stare
when you return
when you're away
when your message beeps
when you move
how could such a feeling come so often and naturally all the time?

Love...is beneath all the fear and all of it
when you do something
when you do nothing at all
when you get mad
when you cry
when you smile
when you speak
when you leave
when you return
when you insult
when you walk
when you eat
when you sleep most of all
coz that's when I know you're there though my love's unaccepted
though you make it difficult to love you
I try hard enough to send you a message as you sleep
And I wonder if it's ever delivered to you
A message which says I love you more than words could ever say
If you only knew but perhaps it would not make a difference

Someday if I shall not awake
A message to your heart I shall send to make you realize how much I loved you and that I still do and I always will though it was never ever enough
If you looked deep in my eyes maybe you could have seen love beneath the fear
Yet I hope in my living eyes will you realize instead

the piss-look-alike

I stare blankly at the untouched mug of golden coloured, piss look alike liquid,
I start to think if I should take a sip, down it or pour it down the drain,
Then I back track my memory and struggle to remember my sudden love-hate relationship for this bloody crap in the mug...
Was it caused by joy, anger, disgust, confusion, frustration, hurt or simply just one of those crazy habits which some people end up having? Guess I'd never be able to answer that right away.
Someday, somehow the reason might surface perhaps. It would come out of the blue when it is least expected and the time is right..till then I guess life goes on as it always has. People come, people go, some change and some don't....some come back, while others leave instead, things are earned, things are lost. Guess the balance is never ever found as there will always be something which is not right at each point of time. How do find the strength to face a world where there's always something to bring you down? We see happy faces each day but more often than not, beneath happy faces lies a heart that's sad and a torn feeling which is beyond repair. I believe that very few happy faces are genuine and we will never be able to find out the truth due to the fear we have of letting the truth out.

With all this, perhaps the piss plays a part somehow and people tend to drown all that's inside with it. Does it even work? Well, perhaps for a good few minutes and then reality hits. Cheers to the piss which unfortunately does not work magic for long!! :-)

shitting hell

is what this is....
sure feels like hell and i'm wondering why
as i sit here and feel high as georgia pie
for some reason i feel as though my soul has left
my brain has dissolved into liquid
some fucking purple-green liquid
and my heart seemed to have hardened

help me find my soul
so i won't have to say its sold
sold to the devil
help me find my brain
so i can think again
and my heart would be heard
once again

the walk feels far as hell
so i decide to drive instead
but as i drive around
i see you following right behind which makes my cry
why can't you leave me alone
since it was you're choice to go
once again I feel lost and damn shitting hell is what this is

Awesomeness is this...simple yet meaningful... Like lullabies you are, Forever in my mind. I see you in all, The pieces in my life. Though you weren't mine, you were my first love. I wanted to go away with you, And I will leave all my troubles here. I wanted to run away with you, And I will bring all my dreams and fears. Like lullabies you are, Forever in my mind. I see you in all, The pieces in my life. Though you weren't mine… Like lullabies you are, Forever in my mind. I see you in all, The pieces in my life. Though you weren't mine Though you weren't mine, You were my first love. You were my first love. I wanted to start again with you, And I will leave all my worries here. I wanted only you. I know that I (have fear with you??)

if i could build a stairway to heaven, i would sacrifice all that i have and do it so that i could spend just one more day with you... i keep questioning n throwing blames at myself for all the times i've took you for granted.... all the things i've said without thinking how mean they were... all the times i've kept the words which should have been said all the moments i've missed for turning you down.. and for not realizing you're importance until you left for good... no matter how many questions there may be right now, the answers to them will never be found for it's too late

I could only think of what might have been I could now just imagine what it would be like if you were here If I drove around the town and saw you standing right there Perhaps this time around I would loose my foolish ways and honestly tell you that you're the best thing that's ever happened in my life And that my life without you has no meaning at all So would you change your mind and come back to me so that we could start over I've let you down once and I don't intend to do it again Days when I'm down and lonely, wish that you were around is all I could do

And I somehow wonder if you would hear me if I called out your name Would the religious ones let you go and could the calling be reversed and moved to someone else instead? I wish it could be done with a wave of a magic wand Guess these are just dreams of having you back In reality, things would never be the way I wish it could be I've lost a battle..an important one and I would never be able to turn back the clock I imagine that you're in heaven when in reality you're gone with no hope of turning back

les miserables

it's now half past 12 and i'm wondering if he's fast asleep after all twas said and done how does one sleep with no regret, no nightmares and no fear does any news at all bring any sort of realisation deep down, somewhere in his heart, buried deep within i wish i knew what was hidden right there bring back the way it was though nothing was probably there in the first place come back to being the way we played pretend pretend as though you care pretend though you did love us all once before kill the feeling which is nothing but miserable deep within if not for me, never for me it is for the one who yearns for you at least when the clock goes back to the same timing on the next day the same thoughts would come back same miserable feeling and the wonder of what has happened how did it happen and why it can't be helped since it won't go away but at least if there were any chance of mending the heart of a poor soul couldn't it be given a shot if not for me, never for me but for the one who doesn't deserve this at least not now at this point of life

if..If and IF...

Humans had built in wings..swear i'll fly away and come back when shit ends or perhaps fly to a land where I don't know who I am or who I was. A fresh start where nothing in the past matters and the current phase in life is not to known to me at all. Day by day, I'm getting more and more tired than how the past few months has been. I wonder what yet again, what have I done or committed in the past to deserve this. It's draining me to a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I have gone back to the way I was and though I try, I can't fight it any longer. I wonder how long is this gonna last. Everything at all seem to get me down and I find myself struggling to stay awake, to stay less negative since positivity has left my life a long time ago. Each day goes by and I feel like a loser. It sounds shitty but it's true. I can't concentrate at work hence here I am...after not writing for ages.... I'm sick...of it all....pfftt

I built this CITY....

on Rock and Roll....
and not for carrying dirt..

can't wait for another 2 weeks till I could freely come to work..alone.
with my thoughts and music...

carpooling is one of the fucked up things to do in life..glad I've realized this early and only had emm...3-4 months of it guess. lucky lucky me..
especially if the other person is rude like shit...

when will it fade..

the anger that I feel after what happened..maybe it'll be something that I never will get over. It should not even be a maybe I guess..damn..

Same month, different year..so he chose to make it a yearly affair that we feel like crap. Unable to concentrate while his damn wife eats n sleeps easy! Hate the fact that we go through this...and they easily forget!!

Sighhh....

with a heavy heart...

After all you have done...today, with a heavy heart, there I go sending my mother back to your fucking shit hole. Oh yeah..then again, I forgot, I love my mother to bits but she has never been a mother to me! You will always been her golden son! You could do no wrong in her eyes!

Biologically, she is my mother...in reality, she is just a friend that I have had for life. Go ahead, treat your mother like dirt, she will forgive you and still do shit for you! But remember..my words would some day, probably come true! You will pay for what you have done!!!

Bastard!!!! You have caused me tears and cause of you...probably, I will never be the same...time will heal...I will get over this shit and be BETTER THAN YOU!! A million times!!!

Go watch your dogs at home...without an income......you can eat shit..or perhaps start taking drugs till you die of OD!!!

hurt beyond words and never turning back....

11.02.2012...
How much hurt has life brought on all this while...still we go on trying and ending up nowhere. On this day, yet again...anger, rage, frustration and whatever it is that caused the God damn idiot to strike yet again. I can barely right or concentrate on anything cause of what he has done. All in a day...whatever it was that he is facing, he has no right to do this to us. I hate him and his family. They say hate is not the word to use but it's the chances that he has been given all these while that has now made me hate them all. If religion teaches one to forgive and forget, that is what I will do except that it will be my way. I will forgive but definitely forget them all. They are DEAD to me from now on.

He called my dad a bastard, kicked my mum out of the house by instructing his damn wife to throw all her things out, sent my dad an SMS which said 'Go burn in hell', called my mum to tell her that her daugther is an alcoholic, called me a psycho and tried his best to come and hit me! I have decided to write this down...and one day read back to earlier post of the hurt he has caused us all. Has it become a yearly affair that we have been cursed to face?? What's worst is to post of fucking facebook that family are the ones who burn you the most!?!?!? Indeed it is true for he is the fucking one who has burnt it for me and brought me down!! There is nothing good that I could recall and it's sad that we, who are his family are blamed for his problems all.

Well, let me write down the names that I have erased from my life and nothing at all will ever change me or make me turn back....

David Benjamin - Pay for what you have done! What goes around will come around! Someday that bitch of yours will leave you for the man she probably is having an affair via email! With your fucking attitude..you might not even get a job! And perhaps you could pick rubbish to feed or kids!!

Elly Ong - Bloody pretentious, sly bitch from hell!!! We suffered and cramped to give you the room in our tiny apartment and tried to treat you as best as we could but you proved that a FUCKING IN LAW WILL ALWAYS REMAIN AN OUTLAW!! Bitch...called to complain million times that Ben hit you, slapped, punched, pushed you out the car!?!?!? But still you went spreading your legs and deliver 3 kids to watch your fights! And keep all their money in your fucking bank probably for your treatment when you end up in hospital for fucking facebook addiction? Or brain damage!?!?!?

Luke Tyler - Rude child from hell...you have learnt well to become idiots like your parents! Fucking 6 year old who can't even say hello!?!?! Go ahead and dance to Michael Jackson..someday you might end up being exactly like him too! Bloody faggot!!!

Leia Faith - Perhaps....a Shaun Seow to make your father realise what goes around comes around! Join your brothers...go become a tomboy who goes after innocent girls! Your parents will be really proud of you! For what they have done...this is what they deserve!

Marc Trevor - God knows what will become but probably a gangster from helll like your fucking father!!!!

Mariam - the maid they have used...I hope you leave and head back to your country! It was no one but YOU who mothered the kids and did everything while the bitch of Elly painted a beautiful picture on Fucking Facebook like she looked after her kids!!!!

Fuck all of you...you all have hurt me beyond words! Who cares what I have done or how much I have cared and loved you all before...it's over and I hate all of you! Guess it shows I was only doing what was expected from my parents...it was not even real!!!

Bastards....back at you...go burn in hell