grrr...WeDneSdaY?

Can't believe it's only Wednesday...the week's been soo bloody slow. Probably because of the awesome weekend @ Hard Rock Penang. Well, hotel wasn't up to what we expected at first but turned out alright in the end. Guess that's the reason why we should not have such high expectations of anything cause we'd only end up feeling disappointed. Anyway..the company was awesome...drinks and the purple around. ;-)

Gaawwwwddd....9.29pm only!!! Damn. Wish time would go faster....

Dear....

Dear Migraine,

It's been almost 6 hours now since you've been causing me torture. Have you ever wondered how much I hate you? The pain is so unbearable each time that it's sometimes worst than a broken heart. Worst than losing the one I love since there's no way to get rid of you. I can't even do the usual stuff to release stress unlike when my heart is hurting! Gaawwwdd...you suck. I wish you didn't have to come along. Tommorrow morning's our Penang trip and you made me feel this way for so long. Right up till now, my head hurts terribly... Why!?!?!??!
Just go away and leave me alone for a long time...I hate you bastardo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With loads of hate and the sharpest knife thrown at you,
Migraine Sufferer

Lazy as lazy could be....

9.51pm...I'm feeling super duper lazy and tired. Thinking of awesome things to do soon..as in over the weekend.

9.52pm...Thinking of my sister and such a sucky day she's had. Ouh fuck it is sometimes. Can't believe people have such huge mouths that let words out without thinking. Sighh..hope things get better with all the ups and downs.

10.39...Minutes later I'm thinking of mum and the way unfairness is shown. OMG...grandkids who become goddess and gods in a blink of an eye and one duper cute grandson is left out. I dont understand why so. She called just to talk bout one of them...gaawddd..like I'm effin interested at all. Oh well...that's the way it is I guess....
But don't worry NETJ...your mom's awesomeness so it doesn't matter eh......:-)

10.43...Thinking of our new house which seems so awesome!!!!! Loads of work to be done, ups and downs but it's all worth it! Hope smelly cat comes in no more...

Hmmmm..I'm here in office but mind is far away..may the last few minutes fly by as quick as possible....

the one who gives without thinking......

I'm thinking of you and I realize that I have hurt you unintentionally before although I had my reasons
Yet you forgot all those times and have always been there for me
Though there are times I feel terrible accepting all that you give
And I do wonder if you're alright
It hurts to know that you must be hurting with all the double standards that seem to go on
I wish things are not this way but somehow I know you're strong and you will make it through...
It's sad that you give without thinking to the ones we both love but it seems to go unappreciated
I know all you've done and still keep on doing and someday, slowly but surely will repay you back for all that you've done.........

Lots of love

The things you never know...

Are the things that have been left unspoken
Perhaps you ought to know
Though words are left unspoken
The heart feels what it does
I never meant to hurt you and would do anything to make it better
If you knew that I thought of you every minute of the day
Knowing you're out there somewhere feeling sad hurts more than you ever know
Things would never change
Yet chance are all I have to give to you
It was unspoken but you mean way too much to let go
If love was strong you would feel it
But when things are one sided, it would not be felt I guess
Someday things would be different and that's the day which is feared the most somehow........

Gravity.....yet another awesome song....

Back from the weekend which was a mixture of awesomeness, stress, happiness, sad and most of all short...
Here I am hooked on a song....

"Gravity"

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

if a jar of hearts....

Would one throw it into the sea or keep it and reuse them all over again?
Wish I had held on to the hearts which once were mine and even when it strayed, I somehow kept it somewhere safe. Perhaps they could be reused...I could take em out when I feel like and it'll just be there. Bet it would not make me a user since my heart was once linked to the same so how could I be called a user then?

Babbling babbles and blowing bubbles...ain't it fun! ;-)

Funny, silly, and also duper funny...

Ever wondered what's the funniest thing one could say after an accident happens and during an argument? Well, champion of a mum I have, funny funny one too.

"You men!! All the same!! All out to make money our of women!!!!"

OMG...thank you good God for not making me laugh else it sure would have been such an silly moment.... :-)

where's the weekend???

This can't be happening to me...I took leave on Monday which means I had Saturday, Sunday and Monday!!! Yet, it sure feels as though I never even had a weekend. How horrible is that!!?!?!?! It passed so duper quick and on top of it..such a horrible 3 days!
The house was almost gone with the wind...thanks to fickle minded bloody owners.
The car crash...bloody stooopid mofo..it's your bloody fault!! Blind bastard!! :-((( Wish it never happened at all. All I wanted to do was reverse out and he came in my way and crash boom bang!! And blames me for it??!?!?! Damn this guy! Sighh...

OMG...soo under pressure! It sure sucks when everything goes wrong at the same time!
Can't wait for my car to be fixed and back to the way it was! :-(

Between love and hate...

...lies a thin, fine line. Probably as thin as a thread but if one does really think about it, it sure is true. Sometimes we love too much and when anger hits, we tend to wonder how could it come about. We wonder if we have turned to hate the person. The ones we love the most are the ones who would hurt us terribly. It's sad but true and I guess no one would ever be able to tell the reason why it is this way. When we love someone, we try to do our best no matter it takes. The road is bumpy yet we struggle and keep trying. Finally, when we something stirs up, we only realize that all the sacrifices come down to nothing. Well, what's life without love whether it's just a friend or any family for that matter. I guess that's the reason we try and somehow we end up feeling so hurt. The hurt inside gets so unbearable and you want to just run away. And then somehow the question of whether running away would bring happiness. Somehow true love never seems to disappear once it is there deep down inside. Even the hate does not seem to help. It's always easier said than done. How is it possible to be heartless and not feel a thing? I guess no one could do so which is why people go through hell and stay in it. Fighting deep down and letting days pass by with so many mixed feelings...

Memories of you...

Yet again...I'm haunted by your memories..
I wonder how long will it linger for..
They were sweet memories mostly but still it's hard when it comes along..
For I know there's no return...
No signs or notes which could tell me you'd be back...
Darkness falls and it hits when I'm alone...
If I could build a stairway...I would...
Once which leads to you so I wouldn't have to be haunted no more...
Except this time I'd do things differently..
I'd tell you what's deep inside and you'd know what you meant to my life...
I wonder how your days are and what you've been up to...
And perhaps if I even cross your mind at times...
But there's no news from you unlike before...
So it's sad that the truth is probably that I've lost you forever....

Final weekend@smelly GYC 8....

GYC 8...the apartment we lived in since 1997.
OMG...that's long time to live in a smelly lil' apartment which I've hated. Not that it's really smelly but what I mean is that there were shitty memories all the way. I don't remember a single time when I felt duper happy to go back since it was just a miserable house. Ya, ya I know there a many people out there with way worst living conditions but guess what, some have shitty houses but yet cause of peace and love, they indeed are happy the way they are. Not that I'm being a pain or anything but I recall way too many fights in the house which saddens me. Being a duper sentimental person, I'm suprised myself that I don't feel sad having to leave the place at all. :-)

So yeah, let me try to list the lovely things that happened in the house :
1. A major fight with the parents with scribbles on the door.
2. A major fight with the bitch from hell ASS-RIS Stevinson....OMGGGGGGGGG...I hate your guts!!! You caused nothing but agony!!! I hope you suffer before dying! Damn it!! You ruined things!!!!! Cause of you the fights still go on!! We were never happy cause of you! You're the main cause of it all!!!! I wish just wish you could somehow disappear into thin air like 30 years back!!!! Sad thing is..you never knew the pain you caused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. Blood on the walls cause he punched the wall! Bet the pain inside was greater then the pain from punching the wall though!
4. Haunted and harrassed by lovely dyke!! Seowwwww....
5. Table overturned.....

Sigh the list goes on so maybe I shouldn't waste my time writing too much of the same shit!!!!

Clear enough that I'm pissed and angry at this very moment!

Penang..Hatyai..Perth....

Looking forward to these holidays...first 2 short breaks @ Penang and hometown and then the long holiday. It's tiring here so can't wait for the break. Yahooooooo.....

Guess Penang would be awesome too but more looking forward to hometown trip as always!!!

why'd u make it fade...

Or are you trying to make it fade for a reason that I can't figure out? I realize how my entries right here in flight of a dragonfly was mostly about you and the love I have for you. I wonder why are you ruining it? There's so much anger which I can't voice out. So much of hurt because of the unfairness. I see how the words spoken about you just might have been true. All this while I put that thoughts about you aside and I tried to make it right. But you have changed almost overnight. You make me just wanna run away from all of this. I'm tired and almost giving up on a dream. A dream that's not just for me but for everone I love. Sighh..

In a perfect world somehow I wish...I wish...and I keep wishing that YOU're still here to listen and not judge me like some might. I could speak to you and know that you're listening. You don't know the right words to say but you'd just be there to listen. You'd know that I'm not asking for a solution which can't be found at all. You'd know what to say that would take me far away from the sadness that I have inside me. You'd give me a chance to fall and you'd be proud when I'm back up. You'd hug me without saying a word before leaving and I would know that you meant to say all the things that would make it better for me. This dream of YOU being here is gone and I can't reach you during times like this....If only I knew why and I could explain but there's just no way.....

Lovely but sad song....

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Just a though based on the lyrics....Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
Ain't it true? Yup, it guess it sure is true and it's the saddest thing ever. The people who listen and not judge somehow come around and fly away..just like lovely doves..

Party@the new house..04.06.2011

Email sent out on 1st of June and while doing this, I realized that the list were all guys. I guess some might think that I'm such a skank but the truth is, guy friends don't add on stress or give me headaches and it's been this way since a long time ago. It was hard to change then. Counting the number of girlfriends I have, I realize there's barely a handful of them. So anyway, I've never invited friends over before since the house I lived in was more to me like a fighting den and a place to rest. This first time, I thought I would do so even if the house was empty. :-)

Kid you not but just one simple poker and drinking nite turned out a nightmare and brought on after effects which saddens me. OMG...my ol' man's just so difficult. But anywayz...the party was simple and awesome despite the hot weather. Felt as thought the fans weren't working at times but we survived it! Plus, sitting on the floor was quite a pain..haha..

Toossdayyy....

I'm tired but let me try to be as positive as possible and see how far I could get. Well, life's so fucked up. Hah! Kidding.. anywayzz...table was sent today to our new house. Lovely marble in green and beige but things are never right if something does not go wrong right so the chairs were the wrong ones. :-) The lorry guys fixed only four chairs and I realized that the colour of the chairs were orange instead of black!! So that will be delayed. But at least there's a table there, and the mattress too. Oh, and a shoe cabinet. :-)

Well, the curtains looked duper awesome when I hung them up. But oh boy, even that was tiring cause of climbing up and down the ladder. Hahaha...
I guess once it's all down, looking how nice they look takes the tiredness away for a few minutes at least.

And then, yes so he has not spoken anything to me yet. And there's nothing I can do about it except to know that things have and still is being delayed. He's 70, I'm 25 right now and I can't comprehend how could things be this way. The slamming and locking of doors, the wild and scary stare that I get...it's tiring as hell. Nothing has changed with him over the years and it's sad. Sometimes we got to accept the things that we can't change I guess...though it's so hard. I wish he could accept me the way I am and I could be open sometimes. Just the way I accept the way he is. But that's just a dream away and it will remain a dream forever.

Hmmph...7.23pm...long long way to go......

count the minutes....

till monday ends...smelly monday end quick pleeeasee...

Wonder why Monday's are always horrible?!?!?!
15 minutes to go...I should dream away..

Here I am sitting on the beach after the long walk on the lovely white sand...feels like all the stress have faded away, like it disappeared into the clear blue sea...settled under a coconut tree with a lovely cosmo in hand..I hope the waiter keeps the drinks coming..even if he sends me the huge bill after...it doesn't matter at all...hmmm...

Oh well, before it gets crazier than it sounds...its 11.50pm..ten mins to go...before I could get into the City and drive away...

Readings...4:9:85

Sunday NITE mass at the great Ol Skool

A reading from the book of E.Laura A. 4:9:85

Thou shall try not make me sick no more...
Thou shall realize that I've tried my best and I'm still trying...
Thou shall realize that I'm more tired than lazy most days...
Thou shall realize that ciggarettes and alcohol are around to shorten life as the life without loved ones are a waste of my time here...
Thou shall realize that many words spoken from my mouth have gone unheard...
Thou shall realize the huge number of questions I have but never seem to find the answers to them..
Thou shall realize that I want the things I never had before...
Thou shall realize the things I want mostly are things that all the money in the world can never buy...
Thou shall realize that I wish certain things in life turned out differently...
Thou shall realize that I never meant to hurt the people I have hurt before...
Thou shall know that I am thinking of ways to be a better person sometimes but it gets so difficult...
Thou shall realize that I know the truth about me being just an accident...
Thou shall realize this must the reason why things get so hard for me...
Thou shall realize I find it hard to cope and mix with the ones around me...
Thou shall realize the list of people I miss and wish were around has ended cause I can't have yet another one...
Thou shall realize the memories haunt me so bad...
Thou shall realize the ones I love most are the ones who hurt me so bad...

Thou shall realize that I wish I was never even born since I'm hanging around here and wasting my life away....

Peace be with you...

endless..forever..im drained out....

It's been like ages since I've written. I lost interest, strayed away and turned to other things that I take my stress away but somehow everything helps for not more than a day. Seems like a roller coaster ride again that just won't stop. I scream my head out but no one could hear me. Why is this even happening to me at all? Nothing is ever good enough and I wish there's a stairway to a place where it's different from here. All I want to do sometimes are the things that people I know could do way I before I did. It just turns out all wrong. I could do my best for the ones I love but it's still never good enough.

I guess peace is something far away and probably would never be found and so is love. I'm tired even by just thinking about the way things are. How could people be such hypocrites? I don't understand the way things work sometimes. Have you ever tried so freaking hard to please someone, you put yourself last on the list and the person takes a knife and stabs you right in the middle of your back? Sometimes the way things are feels exactly like that except that you're still alive and there's nothing you could do about it...

Sigghh..huge sighh...life feels duper fucked up right now. Wish things were different. If only I could feel nothing, be heartless and just move on...do things and live differently. I wonder how life would feel then. Like a heartless fool perhaps...

I hardly know what I'm talking or writing here anymore but I guess someday when I read this back..I'd know I felt like shit at this very moment.
Perhaps I should start fresh...a brand new entry which makes more sense....