I am me, just me..plain silly me
Always misunderstood but never understood
If me being me gets me into trouble
I wonder should I change or just be me
It's sad and it hurts to be me
I don't wanna be me but I am just me
If being me gets me down then I don't really wanna be
But I don't understand why should I be anyone but me

Losing you would be the hardest thing ever
Just the thought of it scares me to death and breaks me into a million pieces
You make loving you so hard yet with each day that passes, it never fades at all
Though you choose to be far away, there isn't a moment that I don't think of you
Tears fall which no one would see for I know I would never be understood
Wishing that you came back would be just a dream for your happiness would never exist if you did
You're far away and it hurts to know that things are not alright
If only I really was an angel as some do call me but I would never be one
Else I'd fly and make it all alright for you
I'd fly just to see you smile
But it's only so much I can do

Hurts when I keep trying and end up failing
Wish I could run far far away and not come back
Such an ugly world and there's no shelter from it all
If only just a rainbow could appear, change it all and make everything fine

I don't like to be left hanging this way
Too much of uncertainty
There's just so little hope
It hurts to feel used and taken for granted
Why is it the same for me everywhere?
Is it me or is it them?
Wish I could run away from it all
Feels like I'm suffocating and screaming but no one can hear me
Sometimes all I wanna do is run away from all of this
To a place where nobody can find me
Or maybe I just wanna be safe in the arms of an angel
Not do anything for once
Not having to try so hard at doing something that I hate doing

ms. lauren-no-hill
get off my back
and cut the crap

quit the J's and come home please.................
is there any hope at all?

the safest place, a hiding place
stop the thoughts and erase rough times
take me for a ride down memory lane
but never once is it ever the ugly lane
everything's clear and pretty
as crystal blue meth
a swim down under
a dive way below where it all disappears
never a tear, never any fear
smiles all over that last forever

the uncertainty of it all is killing me
can i wake up to find out that everythin's finally alrite
when the strive is finally over would it be worth the while
or will i have to lay down and cry
i don't wanna lose this battle now that i've come this far
but it sucks counting the days which seem to pass by slower than usual
if i could i'd run away to a secret hiding place
and have someone hold me till i can wake up to realise it's over and done with

don't get mad when i'm quiet please for i might be thinking to myself about how thankful i am that you're here
or maybe i'm worrying bout what lies ahead......

don't get mad when i'm scared please cause maybe i've been through too many wars at home and you've been my safe haven all along but maybe i just never told you so.......

where r u when i need you most?
u speak but never seem to listen
u look but see way beyond me and not what i'm trying to show you
now how is that even fair?

why's life never fair everywhere i go
nothing's change since 1985
if i changed the way i looked and everything about me
will i finally be seen for who i am
but what is the point of that if i can stay the way i am?
it hurts being left behind all the time
feels like the harder i try, the harder i fall
am i too slow to understand that i'm just never good enough
or maybe the rest of the world has learnt that from daddy

nothing seems to work out right
how much more must i do
to finally get to where i wanna be
my head hurts and my eyes are all cried out
cause what i want was too near and yet too far now

never needed or will ever need reminders of what i never had or will never ever have
so why don't you keep your thoughts and not share with me about the absolute luck you have of all that you have and something that money can't buy
maybe you could start by stop being so insensitive and see that all I ever do is try to care
but instead you smash and tear my heart into a million pieces with the things you say

arrrggghhhh

it's frustrating that I can't tell you coz maybe you won't even understand
thought u did know me well enough but guess you don't at all
but it's not fair cause it only tells me that you just hear but you don't listen as I speak
why is that so?
save those stuff that hurt for the rest who have them too
share stories of those kind with everyone but me
it hurts deep down and how long will I have to hide it
I could try to erase it and block it of but till when must I......

i wanna run........as far as i could...do nothing....not work...sleep....play.....read.....

life's not nice.........i hate it!!!!!!

soo soo terribly annoying!!! why?!?!?!?! get off my case for bloody good!!!

im tired of incessant questions....tired...tired....tired.....arrrrgggghhhhh

I didn’t need a reminder of what I’m lacking but maybe just wanted you to listen
Instead you crushed me more than I already am
Guess it’s just reality hitting me every now and then
It’s indeed your right to talk but it hurts to hear it million times over
If only you knew that it does and i've been just giving you those chances to speak of what makes you happy
But maybe it's just that I had and still have that much faith in you knowing that you won't let me down

another monday down..to say that monday sux would just be a repeat of every bloody week!!!! but it isn't just about monday but every damn day!! i wonder if someday things would change. it's been years...like a million years with no change except things seem to get worst!!

24 hours in the day...the way it feels.....
7 hours - confused
6 hours - sad
5 hours - tired
4 hours - fed up
1 hour - angry
1 hour - happy

who'll ever know what it's like to be me? nobody...just nobody.....pfffttt

I wonder how you're feeling right now
If you'd feel like stabbing me to my death
With the sharpest knife you could ever find
If you'd feel like driving over me eighteen times till my brains and guts come spilling out
Or if you feel like pushing me over a bridge and watch me drown
If you feel the simplest idea that I should have just been ctrl+alt+del at the very beginning just like the others
I've chosen to ignore all of your attempts but it doesn't mean that I'm happy
It hurts beyond words and it kills me inside but what good would it do even if I did respond to you
I have never and would never be good enough for you no matter what
I'm sick of trying and decided to stop
Go ahead with your assumptions and whatever you think of me for you have always thought the worst of me anyway
Thank angels for sending others who do appreciate me for the ways I try since you were the one person whom I've tried to hard and failed miserably
But it just doesn't matter anymore
Maybe I have accepted the things that I would never be able to change
Maybe I have accepted that it was me who made belief all along that I could make things right with you
I wanted to get to know and I wanted you to know me but time has now passed
And the chance would never be mine ever
Maybe time will heal or maybe it won't but after all these years I doubt a few more years would make much difference

can't wait to pick up my car tomorrow....yayyyy...finally!!! :)))))
damn...felt like been without a car for 4 months or more and i'll say it over n over again! as i've said to kelvin today-next time which is probably 2.5 years from now when I change my car, I'll still keep City with me so I won't ever be stuck this way should shit happen!!!!

tick tock tick tock......11a.m tomorrow.....can't wait to go!!!!

i want my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12.23a.m......where's my ride!!!!!!!!!! this can't be happening to me!!! shit!!!!!!

in case one day i lose my memory...2 weeks ago, my car was crashed & right now I'm suffering without my car! the pain's just beyond words! i've never had to depend on anyone this way..like never ever! this is just so crazy! think the names i've been called before suits me now cause i'm going nuts n wild without my car! damn!!! wild horse (cause i'm wild without my car) - crazy lil' angel (i am really going crazy now) - princess (since i can't live without my car!! but whuttahell...it's mine!!!!!)

guess i'm seen mostly as the happiest being high on happy sticks
i wish it really was that way but it just isn't
maybe it'll be nice to have a black balloon which could make me fly away

wednesday's child is full of shit...
wednesday's child has a life full of downs...
wednesday's child can't live without her car......
bring back my City pleaseeeeee..............

Days come and go yet there seem to be no change at all
My energy keeps depleting more and more
When would it all finally be gone and I fade away slowly but surely
Feels like everything's been taken from me and I have nothing left to give
Why did it all have to happen?
If only an angel could come and take me far far away and everything that's ugly would come to an end
I would no longer have to lie with a broken heart and it would all be fine.....

i hate mondays!!! but then who doesn't huh? shit!!!
and hour and a half before monday ends...yet another monday!!!!

why isn't anyone or anywhere calling yet?!?!?! fuck!! i wanna leave this damn place!! tired of it all!! fuck!!!! how many more times do i have to try until I finally find a way out of here! i'm getting so soo tired!

fridayyyyyy.............why is it on monday's i have severe monday blues then on friday's i feel the same too? seems more blue than monday even and i don't feel like working!! shit!!!
struggle struggle....focus focus.........pffftttt.......

Don't we all wish we that could leave all our worries behind for a few damn days at least?
Doubt anybody is worry free......maybe just less worries but they never do fail to exist somehow.

Funny how things work out sometimes..........
Ugly that people take things for granted until they're gone........
Can't anyone hear me for once.......
Keep going till there's finally somewhere to go and belong to.......

missed the train by a couple of months or probably years....way too long right?
wish I had been faster or at least warned that I was about to miss it........
even so nothing could've been done to stop it from leaving me behind..
if I went as well, would it even matter?

It swerved to the right and hit the divider with a hard knock

I lost control of the car and it started to pull to the right

The screehing sound of the tyre scared me

My mind was immediately flooded with thoughts of the car overturning or spinning around

I thought my life was about to end that very moment

Though there was nothing much in it I wanted a little more time to live

All of those thoughts stopped as the car crashed and went up the divider on the right

I was then lost and confused and unsure if I even was thankful to be alive

And thought maybe all that I face would have ended if I could have just faded away in that crash

Guess yet again my guardian angel was working overtime

Maybe the angel would understand how I lost control since nobody else would

But I don't really need anyone to understand now that it's over and done with

My mind works overtime and it hardly ever stops

They questions left unanswered bothers me all the time

Maybe just maybe one day this would all end and I would be good again

My fear would vanish finally

And my smile would be real again soon and maybe it would last for once

They say running away won't solved anything but who's to know?
Maybe running away keeps me safe from drowning at least...
It's like buying time to stay alive a little longer........
Maybe....just maybe..........
They judge and they question
But how is anyone to know the confusion and fear that doesn't ever leave
Maybe....just maybe someday they'll know
By then....it won't matter anyway........

I’m trying all ways to reach you but I’m not let in after all this time
What more can I do to get to you
I know we are from different worlds
Yours is perfect and mine is far from it
If you gave me chance and for just once listen to me
Maybe even ask so I could tell you that nothing ever was a lie
It isn’t hard and I want nothing much except another reason to not fall
Maybe it's just been a hard cry out which is never answered
And it's sad to know that it never will be or maybe someday you'd finally see
Guess as tired as I am, I need to keep trying

Faster...Easter...

It’s bout painted eggs n chocolates, lattes versus wine and never mind if their red or white


Dresses and suites, heels versus boots

Hymns and long winded sermons, exquisite cocktails during expensive dinners

A bunny hopping out from the middle of a bush to say peekaboo

Yet again as all of this is going on the fire starts

Bringing down the roof till it falls and hits the ground

The fire spreads throughout the place which I call my city

Somewhere in the middle of it is my hiding place

Slowly even that is eaten by the fire

I run wildly and as fast as I my feet would take me and I know I can’t ever stop else I’d be caught

My feet hurt real bad and my throat is sore due to thirst

The sky which was blue when I started running has now turned to a darker shade of grey

That doesn’t stop me though and I keep going

Finally I come to a halt as a dark figure in the sky appears above me

I hear a voice telling me it’s over and it repeats saying that it’s finally over

I know what the figure is and I know what the voice is telling me

I lay my body down on the grass and look up to the skies above me

My soul seem to leave weak body and I give in to it

Slowly it goes and I start to feel numb and I know that I am finally gone

The hardest thing is no longer caring for you
It's the thought of not knowing what's going on with you
The worry of what will happen next
My weakness to accept that my heart could no longer accept what you did and still do
The pain of losing you this way and the fear of you slipping away alone

But what will I ever do now that it's all been done
No one does understand anyway and they never will
My confusion and anger has gone to a different level
But the clock will never turn back and so will I
If only you saw me in a different way

Not just a body existing as a wall
Not as a punching bag waiting to be hit
Not as a middle person for you to speak to another
Not as a living creature to keep up with your expectations
Not just anybody but as someone who loved you unconditionally
And had waited so long to be seen, heard and loved
Now it's just all too late...........

Prank call

My foolishness now pays a high price but who’s to blame
Wish I’d paid attention to what I felt and never let you slip away
It’s so hard to realise that now it’s way too late
I know there won’t be another you and if there ever was it won’t be the same
Why was it you who were called and not somebody else who never mattered to me
If I had been the one who called first maybe you’d still be here
Or if I had just spent the time which will now never be mine again

If cupids exist, wish I’d get help to make you let the calling slip
Just let it slide and come home to something that’s been here all along instead
My broken heart doesn’t seem to mend ever and it gets worst since you’re not here
Give me a chance to have you by my side
And I’d finally believe that happy ever afters do exist

You sent a signal that maybe there’s hope of you coming back
Guess the hope I’ve been keeping was strong enough to think you just might
Yet again it was false hope I know as I hear you say that you never would
I’ve lost hope yet again and go back to believing that love just don’t exist for me and it never will
If only the caller was just playing a prank call but it is reality that I can’t accept
But the memory of you remains and got stronger as the call broke us apart

i want my old phone back!!!!!!! how could that be taken! even if i lost money it won't feel as bad as losing my phone!!! take my new phone...give me back my old phone! wish i'm heard but obviously it's just crazy thinking!!!!!

11.09....work's done finally...time to go home...shit...home?? where???? fuckkkkkkk
home is where the heart is but guess for me it's home is where the toilet is now!!!!!!!!
i feel broken...dont feel safe...i dont feel happy...i wish i could just feel numb!!!!

speaking through the walls but still unheard
yet nothing hurts more than being unheard
i shall never been understood ever i know but why would it even matter
maybe someday i would be and when that day comes i would no longer want to be heard
my voice seem to get lost even more but i have decided that i need not find it
what good is it anyway when there's no reason for it to be there even
i'll just let it go to hiding and maybe one day someone would bring it back
maybe someone already has and it's theirs for keeps

another day down...finally!!!! tomorrow's yet to come but i don't think it's gonna be even slightly brighter! damn! Ugly days at work!

how come some people have many reasons to smile while i don't? maybe im not searching hard enough for a reason to smile...like really really smile without a care in the world! maybe it's time to pack up my frustrations and anger and throw it somewhere really far-like in Klang perhaps? ;-)But then again...it all started from there!

Pa's lovely 2 page letter haunts me.......fuck! life's never fair!!!!

why do i hv guts the size of peanuts!!! fuck!! it's not fair!!!
as it is it's bloody peanut size...it's shrinking...slowly disappearing...fuck! im screwed!!!!
soon it's gonna disappear!!! then what???

and who said God was fair?? no no, not true!!!

10 things I love about my boss :
1. Nothing
2. Still nothing
3. Really nothing
4. Simply nothing
5. Nothing at all
6. Absolutely nothing
7. Shit nothing
8. Not-suprisingly nothing
9. Not a single thing
10. Just nothing at all

100 things I HATE about my boss :
1. Bloody insulting jokes often made
2. Pushing his part of work around - Karate!!!
3. Laziness
4. Stingy to the highest degree
5. Mean beyond words
6. Blaming others
7. Coming up with conclusions without even looking deeper into something
8. Not knowing how to do his own job
9. Having a favourite who gets things his/her way
10. Zero flexibility
11. Shallow way of thinking
12. Judging people all the time

Errrrr....100 really??? Guess I might be able to come up with 100 but right now...just to lazy to spend more time writing about him! Such a fuck!!!!!

For goodnes sake-u don't own the company!!! Arrrrggghhhhhh

I'm not rotten or evil!!!


Simply misunderstood as always!

why are promises made when there's intention to not keep them?
why do people not understand that promises are meant to be kept even if just a part of it or least an attempt to keep it?
why do people even make promises at all knowing they will never ever be able to keep it?

-happy home-

A home need not be filled with the most expensive furniture or a million photographs on the wall

How is anyone to know if the smiles in a family portrait are for real or merely taken for a public display that everything’s alright

Sometimes all it takes is a mouse to turn a house into a home

And the simplest thing of a happy conversation before bedtime

Guess the true meaning of a home will never be realised until you are blessed enough to have it...even for just a night or two....

Why don't photographs be replaced with handprints on the wall perhaps just to say that home is where the heart is?
And everything is kept real....a smile and a hug that's for real just in case it's the last since the future is not ours to decide..

you've pushed me over the edge & perhaps to a point of almost no return
how could life be so unfair that I had to be the one to take a stand
you speak of love but all I ever feel is hate
guess it was finally time that I took you out of your misery
I dont recall asking to be born and neither do I recall asking for much
perhaps a little hope for a better tomorrow and for an end to all of this would be all I ask
of cause the simplest thing is always the hardest for you

you'll never know and no one will but that's just the way it is
no one would get it anyhow & perhaps in a dream somebody would
but of cause a dream is just a dream and in reality everything remains the same

ouhh emmm geee
the calls n text i get are unbelievable!! effin unbelievable!!!
seriously...mr.so n so...got ranking of tan sri datuk....n so n so...got phd??!?! like i even care????
ouhhh damn it!! for the love of God!!!! WTF???????????????

shit!!!
give me an effin break cause i don't give a damn! huge sighhhhhhhhhh
filled with anger.....beyond words....pfffttt

how could people find it in them to be highly insensitive, brainless and soo full of shit?!?!?!

Noah Evan

backdated to 15.01.2013
noah is now 34 months, another 2 more months and he will be 3 years old

Noah's the cutest, smartest and coolest kid that I have ever met and I don't think I will ever meet another kid like him ever!! He is just one in a billion!!! Guess his awesomeness comes from an equal combination of his parents.

i wonder if someday Noah will be reading this!!

Well Noah, if the day does come...I love you heaps godson! You've brought so much joy from the first day that you came into this world! And well, if you are reading this, you might just wonder why am I so full of shit huh?!?!?! Hehehehehe....
Look for me and I will explain if I am still around! :-)

Part of me is looking forward to meet you before you leave
And another part wishes that I don't have to
Things just do not make sense when feelings are all mixed up
It feels like it's the end of the road and it should finally be
But somehow you keep coming back
You will always be a memory and one of the best I ever had but why can't you just remain as a memory since that's the path you've chosen?

If I could have one wish where I could change anything and turn back the time,
I would turn back the time to the days when you were here
Right there waiting and never having to leave
The person I knew back then who was just a call away
then again, wishes sometimes just don't come true..........

-broken-

i wanted you to know that i love the time we spent
i wanna hold you close and tell you so
i keep your memories and i know it serves me well
i wanna hold you tight and not let go

coz i'm broken when you're not here
and i don't feel right when you're not around

you're gonna go away, you won't feel me anymore

the worst has just begun and i can't breath no more
i wanna hold you close and make you feel
there's so much left to say but no way to speak
i wanna hold you tight and make you see

coz i'm broken when you're not here
and i don't feel right when you're not around

coz i'm broken when you're not here
and i don't feel like i could carry on
coz i'm broken when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel right when you're not around

you're gonna go away, you won't feel me anymore

i'm misunderstood as i always am
taken for granted for the millionth time
and i ask myself over and over again
but guess i'll never figure out why
perhaps it's easier for the rest
to take me for a hell ride and dump me in the middle of nowhere
someday perhaps i'll see the light
it might not shine bright but i'm sure i'll see it someday soon

y?

why does simple things get over complicated when it should not be?
why can't anything in life come easily for once?

why can't i cook and bake and shit at the very same time? :-) wouldn't that be time saving? hell yeah it would!!!!!

effin emo

emo emo emo elmoooooooo
i wanna go home...
an hour and ten minutes to go at work....shit
i wanna sleep!!!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

time check = 05:47 AM....damnnnn

talkin to angels

another night when i'm dreaming of you
yea again my thoughts go back in time
to the days when it was you and me
they never had to be awesome
for me to want them back
they were simple yet they were everything
and i ask myself the same questions a million times
if you'd feel the same
and i leave it unanswered

instead i talk to angels
send them a message
and they come right down
though invisible i can feel them around
they know my heart and what's in it
unlike you who stays unaware
and then i hear them whisper
that everything's gonna be fine

if i went back in time
would things be different
will have the strength to tell you what's deep within
would you believe in me enough to want to stay
i'll never know since it is too late
i'll never find out even for my time's run out
i can never turn back the clock
to get you back again

i can only wish that angels would send you the message
to bring you back again
or let us both go back to the time when it was only you and me against the world
a wall built around us and happiness was all that surrounds

the lost cupid

cupid's lost
ain't gonna fall
even if cupid had already fallen
he's bumped his head
and has sweetly forgotten about me
and yet again i'm left in misery
a broken heart that's yet to be healed
but damaged more than it already is
and i sit and ask myself how could this be
that cupid's memory is erased

i wanna break down and cry
but i stop myself
for i know cupid would never hear me
i'm all forgotten once again
it never should have been
but that's the way the path goes
that i should be left
by cupid with a broken heart

if i found cupid
i wonder if cupid would remember
the days when everyone was helped
and i was left
would i get a second chance
to make it right again
so that for once i'm not forgotten
maybe i could trade all that i have
for cupid to gain back his memory
and he could shoot an arrow to the heart that's right but far
and bring you back to me

will it ever happen is something i should never count on
though it's sad to know
that the more i hope the more i'm broken
guess cupid's my only hope
or perhaps a shooting star that'll make my wish come true